Monthly Archives: November 2014

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I Hate Joshua Proctor

Having bi-polar is not fun. Anyone who has battle with it could back me up on that. For me it gets really painful and darker every time. This is a day by day journal of my last week fighting depression. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

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Nov 21:
“Today is going to be great!” that was my first thought I had on this day. It turns out that I was very very wrong. I have been working on being a better person. It’s pretty hard! I don’t see how Kesha and Stone Cold Steve Austin became so perfect cause it seems like a lot of hard work. I believe one of the most important things about becoming a better person is trust. People need to trust you and you need to trust people. The point of this article isn’t what happened that lead to my depression so I’m just going to skip that part if you don’t mind.
The one thing I will tell you is that what happened made me trash that whole “better” person plan. There is no fixing Joshua Proctor. Even at his best he still finds a way to fuck everything up. He is like the real life Kramer. Well minus the racist part. I just keep on repeating to myself “When is it my turn to be happy?” and after about the 27th time asking that question I realized the answer was never.
Nov 22:
I woke up with a pit in my stomach around 7 a.m. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I just wanted relax and try to get back to normal (or what I can normal) but after about 3 hours of trying, I thought of a great idea! Something that will help me get my mind of how much I hate Joshua Proctor. I will take some of these razor blades and cut my arms up! GENIUS!
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Now there is a art to cutting yourself. I could just take a razor and slash my wrist. I did that before and it’s very painful also it doesn’t really seem to help. The point of this is to get my mind from thinking and to focus on the pain I’m doing to myself. That’s where the art comes in. You have to cut deep enough for it to hurt and bleed but not deep enough for you to hurt yourself too badly. Also just don’t cut the top of your arms like some type of pussy.
So there I was cutting myself every 30 minutes. I would do as many cuts I can do in a 10 minutes and then watch some tv. It reminded me of a thing I heard one time. “If a crazy person know that they’re crazy are they really crazy?” I bring that up cause at one point I was sitting there in my apartment with the only light being from the tv showing the Harvard vs Yale football game,drinking beer,cutting myself and laughing for like 6 minutes at some Sonic commercial. Those dudes are fucking funny! But yea that was my Saturday.
Nov 23:
The pain of cutting yourself over 70 times really seems to kick in overnight. Needless to say I didn’t sleep to well however I have a big day of ahead . Sundays are my favorite day of the week. I got football,Walking Dead and tonight WWE is having a PPV. I also made a game up for myself to play. Every time one of my players from my fantasy football team scores I will cut myself 6 times and every time a player from the dude’s team I’m playing against scores I will cut myself 12 times. Again I’m a genius! I never hated Steven Jackson so much in my life.
Another thing I noticed on Sunday is how much I’m addicted to cutting myself. I use to do it all the time back in the day and I just remember hated it. However I felt excited about cutting myself so more today. Maybe that means it’s working? I’m starting to see how people get addicted to drugs. Waking up the morning after sucks but just thinking about that razor cutting my skin just makes me feel great. I know it sounds crazy by the way so no need to tell me. I think maybe I just enjoy hurting myself cause I blame myself for being depress. I’m the dumb fuck who keeps catching feelings for someone or trusting people so the pain is there to remind me how dumb that is. One more thing I noticed today is how scared I was from myself. I have been down before. But it has never been like this. I’m really scared that I might really hurt myself this week. The sad part is that I want to talk to someone but I don’t have anyone to talk to cause I’m jackass so the only thing to do is to hurt myself. Talk about your catch 22’s!
ouch...........
ouch………..
Nov 24:
Today is going to be rough. I got no beer and no football. Just me,a lot of time and of course my good friend Razor Ramon. I named the razors after one of my favorite wrestlers. The first 4 hours of the day I sit there and cried. I don’t even know what I was crying about. I just wanted the pain to stop. It felt like someone was twisting the inside of my gut. Also I guess I should point out that at this time I haven’t ate any food in 2 days. I just needed something to get my mind off of this………
razor
Then it happened. Monday was of course the day of the Darren Wilson verdict. It’s not going to trial. So there I was watching people tear apart their own town cause they were mad at someone else. I was watching it while my arm was bleeding all over my floor. I said to myself “How does this help? How does burning down buildings in your own town help? It doesn’t make any sense.” That’s when I looked at my own arm and all of the cuts I did to myself and thought “You’re a hypocrite” Just one more reason to hate Joshua Proctor.
Nov 25:
It was like sleeping in a war zone last night. Ferguson is about 10 minutes away from my apartment. All I could hear were helicopters and police cars. I watched some of the fires from my balcony last night before going to bed. I watched them burn for a long time. It might sound odd but it put my mind at peace.
The first thing I did today was turn on CNN to see how much St.Louis is still standing. Watching this last night and right now made me remember how much I hate the news. It almost feels like that maybe they were excited that something like this happened just so they can have “news”. It seems like they find the dumbest people when they’re trying to fill time. Like the person who want everyone to boycott major retail stores on Black Friday and shop only at black owned stores. This of course coming about 6 hours after they burned down nothing but black owned businesses. So with that idiot and then after I seen this “breaking news” I was done with the news until the next riot.
Wait?! What!?
Wait?! What!?
Back to my problems now. After last night I made up my mind that today will be the last day I will be cutting myself. I was going to go all out and try to cut all of the depress thoughts I had out of my system. I know it sounds like a great plan, right? During the cutting marathon I thought about how everything will work out. But then how everything working out isn’t good enough. I don’t it to work out, I want it to be fixed. The only way to fix things is to change everything about me. That means no more people in my life. It sounds sad but these last few days made me think how maybe being alone is the way to go for me. If I’m alone nobody can hurt me besides myself.
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I also starting wearing this so I can use to them for next week. I don't want anyone to know I'm crazy
I also starting wearing these things, so I can get use to them for next week. I don’t want anyone to know I’m crazy.
I cut myself so much today that I vomited. I looked at it like drinking. You ever vomit when you drink too much and you feel better after? That’s how I felt. Once I was done. I ate some food. Which is a pretty big deal since I went 3 days without eating. I had 2 slices of pizza and a Coke Zero. It was the best meal in the history of time. Hot tip! You need to eat food. It makes you feel a lot better.
Nov 26:
It’s Thanksgiving Eve! Why do Christmas and New Year’s only get to have eves? I think all holidays should get them. From Thanksgiving to Flag Day. I don’t even understand what “eves” are or the point of them. Cause where would it end? “Oh it’s not Monday it’s Tuesday Eve.”
 Here are some pictures of what I did today…enjoy!
I played dress up all day today with my old clothes.
I played dress up all day today with my old clothes.

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I played dress up with my old clothes. MADDEN TOURNAMENT CHAMP!
MADDEN TOURNAMENT CHAMP!
I feel like shit today. Like all I can think about is cutting myself and I’m trying really hard not to do that. I need to hurt myself……I need to get my mind off of me. So instead of cutting myself I just worked out in the gym in my apartment building. I did a extra hard, a extra long workout. The goal was to make my body hurt. It worked. Not only did it work but after for the first time in 5 days I felt happy. It didn’t feel right at all. Like who am I to be happy? I’m the worst. But fuck it…….lets watch some King Of Queens and get ready to be alone on my favorite holiday.
It also snowed today. Is it ironic that the building right across the street from me is a mental hospital?
It also snowed today. Is it ironic that the building right across the street from me is a mental hospital?
Nov 27:
Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!! A day to be thankful for. I’m feeling good. A lot of football to watch. Also today was the first time in almost a week I went outside. I just got a 18 pack of beer but I still think it’s a big step. Being inside so long I can’t really knock those shut-in people anymore. Outside is so cold and loud. I don’t understand homeless people. Like why do they enjoy it so much?
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During this whole time I haven’t been online once. I put my Ipad and phone in my closet. I almost looked today to see if I got any “Happy Thanksgiving” messages. I was a bit scared to look cause if I didn’t get any that would probably make me sad however getting some might trick me into thinking that this is over, so I’m better off not knowing. I don’t want any setbacks. My goal is for Sunday to go back online and start writing again.
I haven’t cut myself in a few days now and the feeling that I need to is gone I think. Drinking and watching The Eagles kick the shit out of The Cowboys made me feel a lot better as well. I’m just can’t enjoy being happy. It’s just cause I have a feeling that once I get back to writing and back on Facebook it’s all going to come crashing down. I hope I can use these next couple of days to get my mind ready and I hope that I can stick to my new plan.
Thanks for helping me out today Mr.Romo!
Thanks for helping me out today Mr.Romo!
Nov 28:
7 days since all of this started. I look back a week and look at myself now to see how much better I feel. Not saying I’m 100% better. I mean there are still cuts on my arm. I have a lot of extra energy today so I cleaned my apartment. Just keeping my mind busy is key. When I’m bored that’s when I get depress. You would think that would make me write some more but I’m not ready for that yet. I did make the decision of taking a walk today. I figure going outside could do me some good.
I started my walk and within 10 minutes I became overwhelmed with anxiety. Pretty sure I was having a panic attack. I felt dizzy and had to stop for awhile. All I could think was “Great Joshua you gave yourself a new disorder.” After relaxing at a bus stop I got up and finished my walk.
I said on Sunday that I will be back to my old self but after today I don’t think that’s happening. The thought of it makes me sick to my stomach. I don’t know what I’m going to do? Am I really never going to go back online again? Of course not that’s dumb. However I do think that maybe Sunday could be pushing it. I might just need to get back on that horse as soon as I can. I got some thinking to do in the next few days. Once again I feel like if I had someone to talk to it would make this a lot easier but I better get use to this lonely feeling.
Nov 29:
I started today by jumping the gun on my not talking to people thing. It’s funny how talking to the right person about anything can really turn your mood around. I feel so much better just hearing a voice of someone else. I was in such in a great mood that I went for a walk and this time no panic attacks! That’s huge.
Just being in a better mood feels nice. I’m not saying anything like I’m all better. I just need to find a way to cope with my depression better. I don’t think cutting yourself is a great way to good…..it did help but still. I feel like the dude from A Beautiful Mind but not as smart or the chick from Homeland (R.I.P btw….sorry about the spoiler) but not as cute. The point is that maybe I’m going to have to deal with my mental illness for the rest of my life even when I’m not feeling down or blue.
Sorry for the lack of laughs in this article but I felt the need to share this with you to show you my weekly battle with my mind. Writing this during the past week was the one thing that somewhat keep me sane. I hope I never have to do this again but I know that’s unlikely. If I do I will try to make it more fun for you. Like maybe add a word search or a maze in the middle of the article. Thanks for reading.
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A Musicgiving Feast

Thanksgiving is coming up soon! My favorite holiday. What other day is all about food and football? Besides every Sunday during the NFL season. Are you looking for some music to help your hunger until turkey day? Well here is a list of songs and bands that have something to do with food that should help…….also may I suggest you eat real food until then.

Meat Loaf:
Hey turkeys are not cheap. If you’re trying to save some money this Thanksgiving buy some meat loaf. The best way to describe meat loaf is to think of someone cooking a rat poorly and forcing you to eat it.
Now Meat Loaf the artist is the man! He was in the movie Fight Club. He was the dude with the huge jugs. Probably my favorite line in the movie was “Go home your tits are too big.” Oh yea he also made a song or 2. Here is one of them.
Cherry Pie:
The king of pies (Sorry blueberry) will always make any dinner better. The best cherry pies are made by the world famous chef Little Debbie. The only thing she makes that taste better are her Zebra Cakes. Which are also great for Thanksgiving.
The song Cherry Pie by Warrant is a pretty great tune. I do have a funny feeling that the song isn’t really about cherry pie but about something else. The song has been overplayed so much that the sound of it makes me want to vomit. They should make a song called pancakes. I can’t get enough of pancakes.
Cranberries:
My favorite Thanksgiving food. It’s great cause they take about 30 seconds to make. All you need is a can opener and know how to use a can opener……it’s harder then it looks. I hate people that put things in the cranberries. I mean don’t play god! That’s like drawing on the Mona Lisa. It’s already perfect. Let it be.
The Cranberries are a great band from the 90’s. If there was a movie made about falling in love in high school they were on that soundtrack. Here is their song Zombie. I think someone should do a cover and name it Walker #walkingdead
Laffy Taffy:
Let me start off by saying if you’re serving Laffy Taffies at your Thanksgiving you might be at rock bottom. Laffy Taffy might be the worse candy ever made. It was like eating glue. Glue that was flavor like shit. The person that made these things must have been the same guy who made Subway. F’n bastard.
If there was anything that could be worse than the candy it’s the song Laffy Taffy. Made by the great D4L, who are also known for their hit songs like Skittles and Smarties. Sadly D4L all died from diabetes.
Corn:
The gold of vegetables. Corn is great. Not for a main meal but it goes with anything. It’s like the Will Ferrell of vegetables. It great when it’s not the main food in the meal and if it is then the meal is going to be a 2 hour disaster however still going to make millions of dollars for a sequel to be made of the dinner.
The band Korn was pretty great. Yea I said was. I know they’re still around. I wondered why they spell corn with a K then I saw what they ate for lunch
Korn
Kupcakes
Kake
Katsup
Some kan foods
Kit-Cat Bars
So it makes sense now also they probably should change their diet. They’re having cupcakes,cake and Kit-Kat bars for lunch?
Cheeseburgers:
If America ever think of getting a new mascot I think a cheeseburger might win. Sorry bald eagle but I bet you taste good. It was always a dream to have cheeseburgers on Thanksgiving. Maybe one day I will reach that huge goal. Also I don’t of anything better then when you’re drunk and you have some White Castle. I’m pretty sure that’s what they had at Jesus had at his last supper
Cheeseburger In Paradise by Jimmy Buffett is a really cute song…..and then you hear it again and again and again and again and again and then you start to think of how to murder Mr.Buffett.
Red Hot Chili Peppers:
I hate spicy foods. I never could understand how people got enjoyment from eating food like this. Why not just eat matches or candles? Here is a clip of what I mean enjoy!
Now The Red Hot Chili Peppers is a band that I think got better with time, kind of like peppers. (I don’t know how peppers work) I do feel like Flea is a bit overrated but that’s a different topic for a different article.
R.C Cola and Moon Pie:
Talk about your great food combos! Is there anything better than drinking some R.C Cola and eating some Moon pies? The answer is yes. There are a lot of things better. But you can’t beat the price. You spend $10 on these things you could be eating like a king for months! By king I mean a homeless person.
Andy King made this song. To be 100% up front the only reason why this song is on this list is cause it had food in the title of the song. The song itself is pretty awful and leaves a bad taste in your mouth. Much like R.C Cola and Moon pies.
T.V Dinners
Does anyone want a Hungry Man? It’s a pound of food! My favorite part of them are when you bite into your mash potatoes and the middle is still frozen. Somehow that cherry treat always seems to make the all that e.coil you get worth it.
ZZ Top made this song one day when they had 45 seconds to kill. The video is a must watch. I feel like ZZ Top was trying to be deep or something. Dudes just keep to making songs about legs and dressing well and leave the deep shit for bands like The Monkees
Spam:
Nobody likes Spam. The food or in e-mail form. If you know anyone that likes Spam get rid of them. You don’t need people like that in your life. Fun fact about Spam. Did you know that the people the ISIS are beheading have the option of eating Spam or getting their head cut off? So far they haven’t open a can of Spam yet.
The genius Weird Al made a song named Spam. It has the beat of some REM song. How in the hell did Weird Al make so much money. All he did was take a song and add “funny” words to it. The best thing he ever did was bang that whore from Wheel Of Fortune
Ice Cubes
Alright I might be pushing it by putting ice cubes on the food list but I think ice cubes are more like food than Spam is. Now the rapper Ice Cube was just a angry dude back in the day. He had such a bad attitude that he was in NWA. Which was pretty cool cause I was huge wrestling fan. I wonder if he ever had a match with Flair?
He is just one of those dudes that anything he says would come off as angry. Like this song. I really think he is just saying today was a good day. Some other songs off of this album are:
Oh hey! How are you?
That was some great cake.
I cried when Bambi’s mother died.
It’s a lazy Sunday
Look at that kitty! He’s so cute.
Well here is the menu for this Musicgiving:
Meat loaf
Cherry pie
Cranberries
Laffy Taffy
Corn
Cheeseburgers
Red hot chili peppers
R.C Cola (with ice cubes)
Moon Pies
T.V dinners
Spam
Now that’s a feast! Sorry Charlie Brown but I think I got your Thanksgiving beat. Now go hangout with your fuck buddy Snoopy.
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eugene

Other Lies Eugene Said

OMG! Eugene isn’t a scientist! I know right, who say that coming?! Nobody! (unless you read the comics) It did make me start to wonder, cause you just don’t start out with a big lie like that. He probably has been lying well before the walker apocalypse started. So here is a list of some of other lies he has told.
Hugo was a great movie.
No I don’t jerk off to cows.
I love the name Eugene.
Maroon 5 is like the best band ever.
I have no clue what meth tastes like.
I understood the last episode of Lost
Tony Romo is a pretty good QB
I don’t like Lady Gaga
Yea! I know how to read
My girlfriend is not 13
Hell on Wheels is AMC’s best show
I voted
eugene2
No I don’t delete my Google history
I buy Maxim Magazine for the great articles and not for those free Axe samples
I know what channel hockey comes on
I miss Michael Brown
I’m not overweight
I didn’t have Mountain Dew for breakfast
I really enjoyed Man Of Steel
Paul Ryan would have made a great V.P
Lil Wayne is better than 2 Chainz
I celebrate Kwanzaa every year
Hey the bible is a good read
No I don’t watch people have sex
I beat Paperboy 2 like 8 times
I don’t live with my mother still
Andrew W.K needs to make a new album
I know pro-wrestling isn’t real
Showtime has better movies than HBO
I get all of those internet memes
I don’t find Kanye West annoying at all
I trust everything Fox News says
I know how to spell kat
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Yea I see Waldo.
Texas is a great place to live
I could handle living in a zombie apocalypse
I drink water all the time
You will not find me on The Megan’s Law website
I believe Casey Anthony
Nascar is a sport!
I understand the rules of tic-tac-toe
Subway is some great food
I don’t have hepatitis c
There is a god
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depress

15 Songs To Kill Yourself To

It’s that time of the year when you realize how lonely you are. Every year you talk about killing yourself but have yet to build up enough courage to tie that knot or pull that trigger. Well great news! I’m here to help. I came up with a list of the best songs to kill yourself to. So just jam out to one of these classic and they will make you even more depress than you’re already are! Just remember: NOBODY WILL MISS YOU.

Hurt by Johnny Cash
 Mr.Cash went out on this tear jerker. The song seemed to be made for Johnny Cash to sing about his life. The music video is what puts it on the list. He is so old that when he sings about “hurt” I really think he is talking about falling in the shower or something. Also all of those flashbacks to his past make you think “Why does the Johnny Cash museum look like such a shit hole?”. I think the most depressing thing about the whole song is the fact that in the end Johnny had to reduce himself to covering the god damn Nine Inch Nails? Man…..

Only Time by Enya
 Enya! What a fun name to say. Only if her songs were half as fun. This is a great song to put on during a long bath. You can sit there in your own dirt thinking about how much of your life you wasted on shit. (I.E: Buying Enya CD’s) I swear someone should hook Enya and Kenny G up. That would be the most happiest/saddest couple in the history of mankind.
This song makes me crazy sad, just for the fact that it was the theme to the last season of Friends. I miss you Ross!

Tell Laura I Love Her by Ray Paterson
 What a crazy sad song. It got banned form the radio when it came out cause it was so dark. People in the 60’s where some huge pussies if they thought this was dark. No wonder why we lost The Vietnam War.
As much of a downer the plot of the song is I got to say I have been singing Tommy’s last words for days now. Man! That guy had some talent! He probably should have started a singing career instead of trying for a racing one.
One more fun fact, this song was such a hit that it had a sequel song by “Laura” called Tommy I Miss Him. Here is both of them.


Moonlight Sonata by Beethoven
 1801! That’s what year this was made in and it’s still great. If you ever want to just sit in a dark room with a robe on and drink your life away, this is your song. It’s just long enough for you to get totally shit-face by the end.
Sadly for whatever reason when I hear this song now it makes me think of like car commercials or something. Beethoven would have been pissed to see the greatest thing he ever did being used to sell Volkswagon Jettas.

Without You by Harry Nilsson
 If I was ranking these to the most depressing I got to think this song would be #1. Not sure who Harry was singing about but man alive she (or he) did a number on him. I guess he got them back or just somehow figured out a way to live without “you”.

Fuck It by Eamon
 What happens when you break a thug’s heart? You get a great song like Fuck It. I was shocked how much they played this song on the radio back in the day. You couldn’t even hear half the song. I like the part about “You even gave him head” like to me it sounds like he is saying she never give him head and it comes off like he is super jelly of that dude.
 Like most of these songs I have no clue what bitch he is singing about but he probably should be thanking her for cheating on him at this point cause this was his only hit he had…….so maybe her sucking off the dude to get her job at K-Mart was worth it.

Sylvia’s Mother by Dr.Hook
 Probably the most outdated sounding song on here and I got a song from 1801 on here. The whole part about him needed .40 cents to continue the phone call. 1-800-Collect could have made a ad about this song.
 Why is Sylvia’s mother such a cunt?
 I think the video is a much watch just cause the song is so depressing and it looks like Dr.Hook is about to breakdown on stage. I got to point out that dude with the eye patch on. Well done,Sir! Really keeping up with that whole pirates theme. It’s also nice to see after 8 hard years of chasing flying boys and never smiling at crocodiles, Hook got his doctors. Congrats Dr.Hoffman!
*I went ahead and added that Disney classic on here. You’re welcome.


Seasons In The Sun by Terry Jacks
 A very upbeat song about death. Terry sings about his dad and I’m guessing his daughter’s death. He also looks a lot like that dude from Highway To Heaven. The “black sheep” doesn’t understand how people can die when the birds are singing in the sky. Someone should have a Alfred Hitchcock night with him.

Mr.Lonely by Bobby Vinton
 Bobby Lonely made the anthem to wrist cutting with this one. He cries about getting no mail. Sorry I got to call bullshit on that one, Bob! You get no mail? Maybe try checking your spam folder….fucking idiot.
This song always makes me think of Carlton from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Also of Akon. What a d-bag to steal a song from Mr.Lonely. F’n convicts


At Seventeen by Janis Ian
 If you’re killing yourself cause you got dumped, At Seventeen is the song for you. The song is about being a ugly bitch (Janis’s words) and watching all the pretty people skate through life easy. Well Janis them the brakes but at least you found this out at seventeen.

Gravity by Sara Bareilles
Sky Scraper by Demi Lovato
Jumping off a building? What better songs than Gravity and Sky Scraper?!


When Water Comes To Life by Cloud Cult
 Sounds like a song from Nightmare Before Christmas……if they had a song about their kid dying during birth.

Yesterday by Paul Mccartney
 My favorite song by Sir Paul is also a great song to listen to while eating handful of pills. As I’m sure you already know, this song was on the Bean soundtrack. So it’s like that old saying “If Mr.Bean likes it then it’s a great song to kill yourself to.”

Taps by America
 If this song doesn’t make you tear up then you must be in the ISIS…..and if you are please do us all a favor and behead yourself
#America #Kesha

Ain’t No Grave by Johnny Cash
 We start and end with Cash. Is it mean to call him a liar? I mean I know one grave that is holding him down. But if he is telling the truth there is a zombie Cash somewhere walking a line. Who would have thought that Joaquin Phoenix was the king of suicide songs.

Well there you have it. I hope I was able to help. Please comment below if you think of any songs you feel should have been on the list.
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weed7

I Smoked Weed 2 Times.

 Legalize it!!!! That’s what people been yelling for years now and it looks like they are getting their way. How do I feel about it ? Weed to me is like gay marriage. I don’t understand why anyone would care so much about something that they would go out of their to stop other people from doing it. I just don’t see the big deal I don’t love it or hate it. I will say that I tried it 2 times (*weed not gay marriage btw) and each time was a night I will never forget.
1st Try:
 Ok I need to explain some things here. At this point in my life things were not going that great but the odd thing was how I didn’t even know that until much later. I was 25 years old and I was living in 1 bedroom apartment that I was paying way too much for. I just wasn’t happy at all. 5 days a week I went to a job I hated and the other 2 days I was drinking or just sitting alone watching tv. I don’t mean to sound so sad but that was my life sadly.
*Joshua
*Joshua

I started hanging out with this chick who was a d.j at a local college radio station. She was the coolest person I ever met. Everything about her was great……well besides her love for the band Phish. They’re songs are just boring and they can’t even spell! It’s f-i-s-h. Lay off the LSD guys. But let’s not get sidetrack.

Me and her started talking one day and I just mention how I never smoked weed. The look on her face was like if I just told her that I never had pancakes. You know that look right? “What you mean?! They’re fucking great! Are you from America? Let’s go to IHOP right now!” It’s that look. I just told her how I never got into it and doesn’t seem like something I would like. She said “Stop being an pussy and give it a try.” So with that great argument I decided to stop being an pussy and try something new.

If you never had these just kill yourself already
If you never had these just kill yourself already

The first step was buying some weed. This by the way was the one thing I will never understand. Like how do you meet these people that sell weed? Where do they get it from? It seems like a dark circle that I don’t want to get into. I mean have you ever seen the movie Blow? Shit gets real. I feel like I would get killed for asking way too many questions. “So where are you guys from?” “You like Kesha?” So to cut a long story short I just let her handle that part.

She gets back with the “stuff” and a bong. I was instantly scared when I saw that bong. It’s not that I never saw one before or anything I just knew right off the bat I wouldn’t know how to use it. She said it was easy. Now I can use a lot of words to describe a bong, easy is not one of them. I felt like a d-bag. I never got that put your one finger there and inhale thing down. It seemed like a lot of hard work and I was about to give up until……..

instruction manual not included
instruction manual not included

I took this one really big hit and I felt my brain move. I freaked out and we started playing war the card game. During the games (That I won.Just wanted to tell you that fact for fun.) I didn’t feel anything so I just thought that I did something wrong but was too scared to say something cause I didn’t want to feel my mind melt again. So she left and I started watching the hit movie Sgt. Bilko. If you haven’t seen this classic check it out ASAP!

During this Steve Martin masterpiece I started thinking about my life and how much I hated it. That lead to me thinking about how little I did in my life and etc and etc and etc. So anyways…………..I tried to kill myself and ended up in the hospital for 2 weeks.
Now I’m not saying that weed made me try to kill myself. I’m just saying it help open my mind to the fact that suicide might have been a great option for me. It was like hitting a reset button in my mind. My life was a mess and it was so bad that I didn’t even know. Weed help me open my eyes to how bad it was. My life didn’t get 100% better right after this by any means. I still had years of ups and downs however weed knocked the asteroid headed for my earth off it’s course. I wished there was a less painful way……..but thanks weed!!!!!
So that was try number 1. I was happy I tried it but still thought it wasn’t for me and was pretty sure that was the end of my smoking career. Until 5 years later.
2rd Try:
 Ok fast forward 5 years later. A lot has changed in my life. I was in better shape,a lot more tattoos,I had a sweet beard and oh yea I moved to St.Louis. I moved there when I was 27 so I been have been there for about 3 years at this point and in many ways I still felt alone. However things were going pretty well for me for the first time since I moved. I been writing comedy which made me happy. I was just was under a lot of stress. I couldn’t put my finger on why. Maybe cause what I did made me be on social media all the time. Maybe it was the pressure of coming up with new topics for articles every week. If I had to pick one, I think I would lean towards this 3rd thing.
 Joshua Proctor was in love. Now a few side notes before I go on. There was one chick who I was crazy about for like a year but lived about 886 miles away so that didn’t work out and that hurt like a mother fucker. So to get over her I started hanging out with this one chick who was like 8 years younger than me. My goal was not to get hooked on this one like the first one but I did and it hurt. Not like a mother fucker but more like dropping a box of rocks on your foot. So by time I started hanging out with this 3rd chick I was done with getting attached to people. Or so I thought.
DO NOT DROP ON FOOT
DO NOT DROP ON FOOT

 

Anyone who knows Joshua knows that my perfect woman is Kesha. She is just great! Like everything about her. So nobody well ever be on her level but this chick came pretty close. I do this thing now where I pick out one thing I don’t like about a girl so I won’t get hooked on them but there was nothing there!!!!!!!!!!!!!…besides that little fact about how I would never end up with her and that hurt. So I was super stressed out and I needed some help. I thought about drinking a lot or doing something super crazy. Then it came to me! She smokes weed! I should it give it a second chance just to have something to do with her and it could help! It’s a win win for everyone!

I compare this second try to like getting a second tattoo. This time around I kind of knew what to do and what to expect. That was until I found out that we will be using something called a gravity bong. The advancement in weed smoking has change so much in 5 years I thought to myself. Just seeing this thing made me nervous. Thinking about it now gives me a headache. She showed me how to do it. The good news is that I did it in one try. The bad news is that I took the hit of hits. I tell you about the aftermath in a second however two things I remember from that night is her saying “Yea we probably should have started out with something smaller.” and her friend saying “A gravity bong??!! That’s like the worst thing you can start out with.” Both of which kind of made me feel better cause I wasn’t doing so well.

weed5

 

 Lets get back to that hit. Now I don’t know (and I hope I never) how it feels like to blow your brains out with a gun but I got to think it feels very similar. My face felt like it was on fire. I’m 90% sure smoke was coming out of my eyes. I coughed for about 7 minutes. The only thing I could say was how terrible it was. She told me “not to freak out”. Which was advice I used for the rest of the night.
The first time I smoked I was by myself when it kicked in. This time I was around people. You ever see the movie Shallow Hal? I only saw it once so I forget how he got that power he had but I’m pretty sure it had nothing to do with weed. I do recall that George Costanza was in it! But yea I think weed give me the same power that night. Not saying it made everyone look ugly and fat cause she still looked like one of the hottest chicks in St.Louis but what it did do was open my eyes. It made me ask myself over and over again “What in the hell are you doing?”. It made me see that I was going down a road that I have been down like 7 times and I already knew what was at the end of it. I probably looked insane standing there arguing with myself. It was me vs my mind and my mind was kicking the shit out of me. It made great points. It remembered things that I totally forgot about and in the end it was clear…..I was being a fucking idiot.
*I should point out that, I still think she is fucking great. She was too great that was the problem. I just didn’t want to get crushed again so I had to get out of there.
#ouch
#ouch

So that’s it the 2 times I smoked weed. The way I look at weed is like this. Weed is like that one friend who tells it like it is. Both times it made me take a step back and watch my life through the eyes of someone else. Each time I had it was hard to see but I’m glad I did it. So yea legalize it!!!!!!! Cause I guess my only knock on it is that I feel like I’m doing something crazy shady. So I hope they fix that in 5 years so I can enjoy my 35th birthday.