Tag Archives: music



Are you making a cover band and having a hard time naming it? Just use this chart. The name on the left is the band you are covering and the right is what you should name your band. It is so simple!!!!! You’re welcome!!!!!!!!

*Some bands are on here 2 times

Kiss= Cuds
Salt n Pepa = Oregano and Basil
Rolling Stones = Stationary Rocks
Johnny Cash = Johnny Change
The Beatles = Hard Shell Bugs
Iron Maiden = Iron Milf
Nirvana = The bitch from Hole killed Kurt
The Wallflowers = Ceiling Plants
The Eagles = The Cowboys
Sam Cooke = Sam Bake
N.W.A = N.W.W.A (N-word with Attitude)
Backstreet Boys = N Sync
Weezer = Breathing Fine
Red Hot Chili Peppers = Ice Cold Banana Peppers
50 Cent = 1 Quarter,2 Dimes and a Nickel
Maroon 5 = Shit Music
Nickelback = Dimestomach
Spice Girls = Sauce Chicks
Van Halen = Overrated
Vanilla Ice = Chocolate Heat
Flo Rida = Louis Iana
One Direction = Dead End
“Weird Al” Yankovic = “Odd Allen” Pullovic
Fun = Please Stop Playing On The Radio
Jimmy Eat World = James Ate Earth
Eminem = Skittle
Insane Clown Posse =  Perfectly Sane Funny People Gang
Train = Planes and Automobiles
Milli Vanilli = Bullshit!
2 Chainz = 3 Ropez
Alicia Keys = Alicia Locks
Rod Stewart = Metal Pole Stewart
Kid Rock = I Suck At 3 Types Of Music
P!nk = Wh!te
Led Zeppelin = Lead Hindenburg
Carrie Underwood = Karrie Oversteel
Pitbull = Pitcow
The Weekend = 3 Day Weekend
Eric Church =  Eric Mosque
Whitney Houston = Dead
Aerosmith = Arrowsmith
The Killers = The Healers
Susan Boyle = Fat Bitch
Green Day = Red Week
Rage Against The Machine = Relax Against The Robot
The Black Keys = The Urban Buttons
No Doubt = I am not 100% Sure
Bruno Mars = Bo Saturn
3 Doors Down = 3 Windows Over
Carpenters = Jesus
Matchbox Twenty = Hot Wheels 30
Alabama = White Trash
Linkin Park = 1999
U2 = Me3
The Grateful Dead = The Ungrateful Living
The Police = The Band With Sting
Rush = Take Your Time
Genesis = Super Nintendo
The Beach Boys = The Sand Men
Soundgarden = Noisefield
The Who = ???????
Cream = Coffee
Guns ‘N Roses = Knifes ‘N Sunflowers
Pearl Jam = Ruby Peanut Butter
The Talking Heads = The Speaking Faces
Tool = We’re Tools
Journey = The Long Trip
Deep Purple = Shallow Blue
Living Colour = Fire Marshall Bill
Audioslave = Audio Free State
Sex Pistols = Fuck guns
The Roots = Reading Rainbow
Radiohead = Satellite Radiohead
The Cure = The Disease
Coldplay = Hotmovie
Black Eyed Peas = Lazy D.J
Kesha = A Musical Goddess


One Direction = Many Different Ways
Soul Asylum = Walkaway Train
Ray Charles = Booty Call
Seal = Fucked Up Face
Drake = Black Jew
Village People = Town Of Gays
Kottonmouth Kings = Drymouth Queens
Barry White = BBW (Big Black White)
Rage Against The Machine = Mad V.S The Robot
The Oak Ridge Boys = White Trash
Fastball = Curveball
Baha Men = We Let The Dogs Out
Bryan Adams = Forgive me
Barry Manilow = Music For Mandy
Tyga = Lie-In
Abba = Cadabra
Tina Turner = Thunderdome
Randy Newman = Woody’s Friend
Nicki Minaj = Star Ships For Hoes
Sisqo = Who? The Dude Who Had That Thong Song. Oh Yea Him
John Lennon = Face Target
Beach Boys = Bay Men
Meat Loaf = Hungry Man Dinner
Boyz 2 Men = Boyz 4 Men (*This could also be used for your Jerry Sandusky cover band)
Miley Cyrus = STD
Nas = Not Jay-Z
Ozzy Osbourne = ?????? (I don’t know what he’s saying)
Juicy J = Apple Drink J
Michael Bublé = Sinatra 2.0
The Wallflowers = The Floor Trees
Taylor Swift = Crazy ex
U2 = Me As Well
The Outfield = Love Users
Skrillex = LOUD NOISES
Run D.M.C = J.O.G
Elvis Presley = Died On A Toilet
Avril Lavigne = Good Charlotte’s #1 Fan
Sam Smith = The Only One
Machine Head = Robot Blowjob
No Doubt = For Sure
Stevie Wonder = 1 Blind Mouse
Culture Club = Bathhouse Club
Janis Ian = I Peaked At 17
George Strait = Mad Bitches In Texas
Sara Bareilles = I Pick You
Bon Jovi = Band Of Roses
Hoobastank = Hobosmell
The Rolling Stones = The Poor Man’s Beatles
Wiz Khalifa = I’m Dat Dude
Crash Test Dummies = Buckle Up
The Jackson 5 = A Famous Person and His Bros
NSYNC = J.T, A Gay Astronaut and 3 Other Guys
White Zombie = Black Walker
The Hives = Where Bees Live
Wheatus = Middle Age Dirt Bags
Bowling For Soup = Curling For Chili
Blue October = Red August
Blues Traveler = Going To A Blues Game #LGB
Nelly = There Is A Cut On My Face!
Celine Dion = Titanic
Katy Perry = Katy’s Pretty Big Tits
Chumbawamba = PLEASE GO AWAY!
Dope = Legalize It!
Bloodhound Gang = Golden Retriever Herd
Hanson = We Swear We’re Boys
Queen = We Also Swear We’re Boys
Soulja Boy = How Do You Spell Soldier
Cyndi Lauper = Women Just Want To Rest
David Bowie = Throw Some Bowies
Bangles = Sunday Funday
Will Smith = Seven Pounds Of Fresh Prince
Boston = Our Race Is The Bomb
MC Hammer = I Need Money
J-Kwon = Fake I.D
Sixpence None The Richer = Dawson’s Favorite Band
Whithey Houston = O.D
Kool And The Gang = Kool-Aid Guy and His Friends

I hope this helped you. Please comment below also check out the links



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Why Did They Make This?

Anyone can have a music album. No? Well how do you explain this list of trash?

David Hasselhoff
David Hasselhoff



Ryan Gosling
Ryan Gosling


Cory Feldman
Cory Feldman


Clint Eastwood
Clint Eastwood


Bruce Willis
Bruce Willis

Robert Downey JR
Robert Downey JR


Zooey Deschanel
Zooey Deschanel


Tony Danza
Tony Danza


Jeff Daniels
Jeff Daniels


Joe Pesci
Joe Pesci


Russell Crowe
Russell Crowe


Kevin Costner
Kevin Costner


The Olsen Twins
The Olsen Twins


Leonard Nimoy
Leonard Nimoy


Dudley Moore
Dudley Moore


Marilyn Monroe
Marilyn Monroe


Macho Man Randy Savage
Macho Man Randy Savage


Scarlett Johansson
Scarlett Johansson


Jennifer Love Hewitt
Jennifer Love Hewitt


Don Johnson
Don Johnson


Andy Griffith
Andy Griffith


Steven Seagal
Steven Seagal


Keanu Reeves
Keanu Reeves


Burt Reynolds
Burt Reynolds


Billy Bob Thornton
Billy Bob Thornton


Billy Bob Thornton
Billy Bob Thornton


Patrick Swayze
Patrick Swayze


William Shatner
William Shatner




Stephen Collins
Stephen Collins


Chris Burke
Chris Burke
Jeff Bridges
Jeff Bridges


Eddie Murphy
Eddie Murphy


Wayne Brady
Wayne Brady


Danny Bonaduce
Danny Bonaduce


Scott Baio
Scott Baio


Kevin Bacon
Kevin Bacon



business man shrug

17 Songs Nobody Knows The Words To

It’s The End Of The World by R.E.M
Right,Right? Those are the first 2 words I can here clearly in this song. I think the beauty of I.T.E.O.T.M is that it’s so fast that people probably think that R.E.M is saying something really deep but really the song is most likely just about Andy Kaufman again. They really loved that dude. Also the video doesn’t give you any clues to what they’re saying. If I watched the video on mute (Which is a great way to watch most of R.E.M’s videos) I would guess that this song is about some homeless kid living in some type of meth house……Hey maybe they were on meth when they wrote this song.
Yellow Ledbetter by Pearl Jam
A classic P.Jam song. It sounds like he is saying yellow bed wetter. That would have been a much better way to go. I don’t what a ledbetter is…..or care to look it up. Anyone who says they have any clue what is being said during this song is a god damn liar. I bet the members of Pearl Jam have no clue what the “lyrics” are of this song. I rather get killed by Jeremy than to listen to this song again.
Bennie and The Jets by Elton John
I love me some Elton John. He was like my Kesha before Kesha was my Kesha. But this song I always thought that maybe he did way too many shots of something before doing it. It starts off with him hitting some random key by mistake. I just like that fact that after he was done with the recording he was like “Yep that is the one we’re going to use…..NO! I don’t want to do it again! That was perfect!”
This song was also use to get me mad by my brother growing up. Being a life long New York Jets fan. My brother use to change the lyrics to “Better than The Jets” and that use to get me so f’n mad. Thanks Elton. You could have made it Bennie and The Pats or something.
Have You Ever Seen The Rain by C.C Revival (John Fogerty)
I added a video with the lyrics for this one. Just try to read along. It doesn’t even add up at some parts. Like it says sunny on the video but when he says sunny it sounds nothing like the word. To answer your question John, yes I have seen rain before
We Didn’t Start The Fire by Billy Joel
If there was ever a song to prove that lyrics don’t matter in a song it’s this one. He is for real just listing things that happened in each decade but my god it’s catchy! The video makes me ask a lot of questions like is Billy a ghost or or something? Or like a time traveler? Also what’s the deal with those crazy pictures in the back like the dude getting shot in the head or the slave tie to a tree? I feel odd jamming out and seeing someone getting lynched. One of the only parts I know is “JFK blown away!” I love shouting that part. Also who did start the fire? Must have been the some dude that let the dogs out.
Racks by Y.C
Might be the worse out of all of these songs. Racks I think is about money or he might be talking about tits or maybe real racks. I really don’t know cause I can’t understand anything he is saying. You would think with all of that money he could have gotten some subtitles for his video. I CAN’T WAIT FOR THE ENGLISH VERSION!
Informer by Snow
I don’t think I need to waste time talking about how you can’t understand anything he is saying in this song. At one point I think he says “lick your boom boom”. I just want to point out some fun things from the video. Like the name of his album. 12 Inches Of Snow? Man, someone thought highly of themselves. The video also points out how far ahead Snow was for his time. Just check out that shirt he is rocking with the Sega Dreamcast logo on it. That didn’t even come out until like 7 years later! But my favorite is when he is locked up in the jail at the end of the video he doesn’t look like a badass rapper he looks like a pedophile
Pour Some Sugar On Me by Def Leppard
Within first second I get lost. Is he saying “Love is like a bomb?” and it’s all down hill after that. This is one of the songs that comes on at the bar and everyone just waits for the chorus. I don’t think anyone cares what the song is about, they just feel bad for the handicap dude playing drums in the band. I notice that they’re wearing Def Leppard t-shirts while they’re on stage in the video. Something about that just seems lame.
Louie,Louie by The Kingsmen
Pretty much every marching band in every high school played this song. I guess it should speak more how bad The Kingsmen were if any random group of teenagers can play and in many cases make your song better. All of The Kingsmen couldn’t piece a great song together again! That’s a Humpty Dumpty joke! Should I even ask who Louie was? Yea it doesn’t matter
Who Let The Dogs Out by The Baha Men
I feel like every list I make on here I have this song on there……..
Stacy’s Mom by Fountains Of Wayne
This song owned the radio back in 2003. After watching the video Stacy’s mom is a whore. Undressing in front of the window like that. No wonder Rod Stewart turned gay. (She was his wife btw) I like how he couldn’t want to jerk off until he got home. Who would do that in someone’s else bathroom? Just rude.
Karma Chameleon by Culture Club
Right off the bat. Are we really suppose to believe that Boy George could walk around Mississippi in 1870 looking like that? He couldn’t even walk around like that in Mississippi today without being shot at. The video looks like it is based off of the hit movie Maverick. I’m sure Boy George and Mel Gibson would have been great friends
Thong Song by Sisqo
Remember Sisqo?! We all thought he was the second coming of 2-Pac after this was released…..no? Just me? Well after watching this video I will have to question his choice in clothes. All silver dude? Just saying that maybe that thong that his daughter found at the start of the video was his.
Soak Up The Sun by Sheryl Crow
A great feel good song. Every time I hear it it makes me think of summer and just hanging out drinking. Drinking is what Miss. Lance Armstrong must have been doing while writing this song. It puts you such in a great mood that you really don’t care that none of the other lyrics make any god damn sense.
Hollaback Girl by Gwen Stefani
Gwen was once in a band called No Doubt. They made some great songs but Gwen thought it would be a great idea to make the opposite type of songs. That’s how Hollaback Girl was born. It does help teach people how to spell banana. Outside of that it’s almost heard to listen to without wanting to hang yourself. My favorite part of the video is when she says how she isn’t a hollaback girl while driving around in a car that says “hollaback girl” on the hood. Huh?
Can’t Touch This by M.C Hammer
Why is this song soooooo long? Like what the hell? The video starts out with people handing Mr.Hammer a lot of awards. Awards I’m sure he sold so he can pay his Rent-A-Center bills.
Whoomp! by Tag Team
Tag Team back again!……Were they here before? Tag Team or as I call them the rich man’s N.W.A made this classic and never looked back since. Mostly cause nobody ask them to come back. The video looks like it was made at some type of rave/basketball game/circus. I can only imagine what they said when they saw the finished project. Tag Team broke up in 1998 after one member turned on the other during a match with The Nasty Boyz.
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A Musicgiving Feast

Thanksgiving is coming up soon! My favorite holiday. What other day is all about food and football? Besides every Sunday during the NFL season. Are you looking for some music to help your hunger until turkey day? Well here is a list of songs and bands that have something to do with food that should help…….also may I suggest you eat real food until then.

Meat Loaf:
Hey turkeys are not cheap. If you’re trying to save some money this Thanksgiving buy some meat loaf. The best way to describe meat loaf is to think of someone cooking a rat poorly and forcing you to eat it.
Now Meat Loaf the artist is the man! He was in the movie Fight Club. He was the dude with the huge jugs. Probably my favorite line in the movie was “Go home your tits are too big.” Oh yea he also made a song or 2. Here is one of them.
Cherry Pie:
The king of pies (Sorry blueberry) will always make any dinner better. The best cherry pies are made by the world famous chef Little Debbie. The only thing she makes that taste better are her Zebra Cakes. Which are also great for Thanksgiving.
The song Cherry Pie by Warrant is a pretty great tune. I do have a funny feeling that the song isn’t really about cherry pie but about something else. The song has been overplayed so much that the sound of it makes me want to vomit. They should make a song called pancakes. I can’t get enough of pancakes.
My favorite Thanksgiving food. It’s great cause they take about 30 seconds to make. All you need is a can opener and know how to use a can opener……it’s harder then it looks. I hate people that put things in the cranberries. I mean don’t play god! That’s like drawing on the Mona Lisa. It’s already perfect. Let it be.
The Cranberries are a great band from the 90’s. If there was a movie made about falling in love in high school they were on that soundtrack. Here is their song Zombie. I think someone should do a cover and name it Walker #walkingdead
Laffy Taffy:
Let me start off by saying if you’re serving Laffy Taffies at your Thanksgiving you might be at rock bottom. Laffy Taffy might be the worse candy ever made. It was like eating glue. Glue that was flavor like shit. The person that made these things must have been the same guy who made Subway. F’n bastard.
If there was anything that could be worse than the candy it’s the song Laffy Taffy. Made by the great D4L, who are also known for their hit songs like Skittles and Smarties. Sadly D4L all died from diabetes.
The gold of vegetables. Corn is great. Not for a main meal but it goes with anything. It’s like the Will Ferrell of vegetables. It great when it’s not the main food in the meal and if it is then the meal is going to be a 2 hour disaster however still going to make millions of dollars for a sequel to be made of the dinner.
The band Korn was pretty great. Yea I said was. I know they’re still around. I wondered why they spell corn with a K then I saw what they ate for lunch
Some kan foods
Kit-Cat Bars
So it makes sense now also they probably should change their diet. They’re having cupcakes,cake and Kit-Kat bars for lunch?
If America ever think of getting a new mascot I think a cheeseburger might win. Sorry bald eagle but I bet you taste good. It was always a dream to have cheeseburgers on Thanksgiving. Maybe one day I will reach that huge goal. Also I don’t of anything better then when you’re drunk and you have some White Castle. I’m pretty sure that’s what they had at Jesus had at his last supper
Cheeseburger In Paradise by Jimmy Buffett is a really cute song…..and then you hear it again and again and again and again and again and then you start to think of how to murder Mr.Buffett.
Red Hot Chili Peppers:
I hate spicy foods. I never could understand how people got enjoyment from eating food like this. Why not just eat matches or candles? Here is a clip of what I mean enjoy!
Now The Red Hot Chili Peppers is a band that I think got better with time, kind of like peppers. (I don’t know how peppers work) I do feel like Flea is a bit overrated but that’s a different topic for a different article.
R.C Cola and Moon Pie:
Talk about your great food combos! Is there anything better than drinking some R.C Cola and eating some Moon pies? The answer is yes. There are a lot of things better. But you can’t beat the price. You spend $10 on these things you could be eating like a king for months! By king I mean a homeless person.
Andy King made this song. To be 100% up front the only reason why this song is on this list is cause it had food in the title of the song. The song itself is pretty awful and leaves a bad taste in your mouth. Much like R.C Cola and Moon pies.
T.V Dinners
Does anyone want a Hungry Man? It’s a pound of food! My favorite part of them are when you bite into your mash potatoes and the middle is still frozen. Somehow that cherry treat always seems to make the all that e.coil you get worth it.
ZZ Top made this song one day when they had 45 seconds to kill. The video is a must watch. I feel like ZZ Top was trying to be deep or something. Dudes just keep to making songs about legs and dressing well and leave the deep shit for bands like The Monkees
Nobody likes Spam. The food or in e-mail form. If you know anyone that likes Spam get rid of them. You don’t need people like that in your life. Fun fact about Spam. Did you know that the people the ISIS are beheading have the option of eating Spam or getting their head cut off? So far they haven’t open a can of Spam yet.
The genius Weird Al made a song named Spam. It has the beat of some REM song. How in the hell did Weird Al make so much money. All he did was take a song and add “funny” words to it. The best thing he ever did was bang that whore from Wheel Of Fortune
Ice Cubes
Alright I might be pushing it by putting ice cubes on the food list but I think ice cubes are more like food than Spam is. Now the rapper Ice Cube was just a angry dude back in the day. He had such a bad attitude that he was in NWA. Which was pretty cool cause I was huge wrestling fan. I wonder if he ever had a match with Flair?
He is just one of those dudes that anything he says would come off as angry. Like this song. I really think he is just saying today was a good day. Some other songs off of this album are:
Oh hey! How are you?
That was some great cake.
I cried when Bambi’s mother died.
It’s a lazy Sunday
Look at that kitty! He’s so cute.
Well here is the menu for this Musicgiving:
Meat loaf
Cherry pie
Laffy Taffy
Red hot chili peppers
R.C Cola (with ice cubes)
Moon Pies
T.V dinners
Now that’s a feast! Sorry Charlie Brown but I think I got your Thanksgiving beat. Now go hangout with your fuck buddy Snoopy.
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15 Songs To Kill Yourself To

It’s that time of the year when you realize how lonely you are. Every year you talk about killing yourself but have yet to build up enough courage to tie that knot or pull that trigger. Well great news! I’m here to help. I came up with a list of the best songs to kill yourself to. So just jam out to one of these classic and they will make you even more depress than you’re already are! Just remember: NOBODY WILL MISS YOU.

Hurt by Johnny Cash
 Mr.Cash went out on this tear jerker. The song seemed to be made for Johnny Cash to sing about his life. The music video is what puts it on the list. He is so old that when he sings about “hurt” I really think he is talking about falling in the shower or something. Also all of those flashbacks to his past make you think “Why does the Johnny Cash museum look like such a shit hole?”. I think the most depressing thing about the whole song is the fact that in the end Johnny had to reduce himself to covering the god damn Nine Inch Nails? Man…..

Only Time by Enya
 Enya! What a fun name to say. Only if her songs were half as fun. This is a great song to put on during a long bath. You can sit there in your own dirt thinking about how much of your life you wasted on shit. (I.E: Buying Enya CD’s) I swear someone should hook Enya and Kenny G up. That would be the most happiest/saddest couple in the history of mankind.
This song makes me crazy sad, just for the fact that it was the theme to the last season of Friends. I miss you Ross!

Tell Laura I Love Her by Ray Paterson
 What a crazy sad song. It got banned form the radio when it came out cause it was so dark. People in the 60’s where some huge pussies if they thought this was dark. No wonder why we lost The Vietnam War.
As much of a downer the plot of the song is I got to say I have been singing Tommy’s last words for days now. Man! That guy had some talent! He probably should have started a singing career instead of trying for a racing one.
One more fun fact, this song was such a hit that it had a sequel song by “Laura” called Tommy I Miss Him. Here is both of them.

Moonlight Sonata by Beethoven
 1801! That’s what year this was made in and it’s still great. If you ever want to just sit in a dark room with a robe on and drink your life away, this is your song. It’s just long enough for you to get totally shit-face by the end.
Sadly for whatever reason when I hear this song now it makes me think of like car commercials or something. Beethoven would have been pissed to see the greatest thing he ever did being used to sell Volkswagon Jettas.

Without You by Harry Nilsson
 If I was ranking these to the most depressing I got to think this song would be #1. Not sure who Harry was singing about but man alive she (or he) did a number on him. I guess he got them back or just somehow figured out a way to live without “you”.

Fuck It by Eamon
 What happens when you break a thug’s heart? You get a great song like Fuck It. I was shocked how much they played this song on the radio back in the day. You couldn’t even hear half the song. I like the part about “You even gave him head” like to me it sounds like he is saying she never give him head and it comes off like he is super jelly of that dude.
 Like most of these songs I have no clue what bitch he is singing about but he probably should be thanking her for cheating on him at this point cause this was his only hit he had…….so maybe her sucking off the dude to get her job at K-Mart was worth it.

Sylvia’s Mother by Dr.Hook
 Probably the most outdated sounding song on here and I got a song from 1801 on here. The whole part about him needed .40 cents to continue the phone call. 1-800-Collect could have made a ad about this song.
 Why is Sylvia’s mother such a cunt?
 I think the video is a much watch just cause the song is so depressing and it looks like Dr.Hook is about to breakdown on stage. I got to point out that dude with the eye patch on. Well done,Sir! Really keeping up with that whole pirates theme. It’s also nice to see after 8 hard years of chasing flying boys and never smiling at crocodiles, Hook got his doctors. Congrats Dr.Hoffman!
*I went ahead and added that Disney classic on here. You’re welcome.

Seasons In The Sun by Terry Jacks
 A very upbeat song about death. Terry sings about his dad and I’m guessing his daughter’s death. He also looks a lot like that dude from Highway To Heaven. The “black sheep” doesn’t understand how people can die when the birds are singing in the sky. Someone should have a Alfred Hitchcock night with him.

Mr.Lonely by Bobby Vinton
 Bobby Lonely made the anthem to wrist cutting with this one. He cries about getting no mail. Sorry I got to call bullshit on that one, Bob! You get no mail? Maybe try checking your spam folder….fucking idiot.
This song always makes me think of Carlton from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Also of Akon. What a d-bag to steal a song from Mr.Lonely. F’n convicts

At Seventeen by Janis Ian
 If you’re killing yourself cause you got dumped, At Seventeen is the song for you. The song is about being a ugly bitch (Janis’s words) and watching all the pretty people skate through life easy. Well Janis them the brakes but at least you found this out at seventeen.

Gravity by Sara Bareilles
Sky Scraper by Demi Lovato
Jumping off a building? What better songs than Gravity and Sky Scraper?!

When Water Comes To Life by Cloud Cult
 Sounds like a song from Nightmare Before Christmas……if they had a song about their kid dying during birth.

Yesterday by Paul Mccartney
 My favorite song by Sir Paul is also a great song to listen to while eating handful of pills. As I’m sure you already know, this song was on the Bean soundtrack. So it’s like that old saying “If Mr.Bean likes it then it’s a great song to kill yourself to.”

Taps by America
 If this song doesn’t make you tear up then you must be in the ISIS…..and if you are please do us all a favor and behead yourself
#America #Kesha

Ain’t No Grave by Johnny Cash
 We start and end with Cash. Is it mean to call him a liar? I mean I know one grave that is holding him down. But if he is telling the truth there is a zombie Cash somewhere walking a line. Who would have thought that Joaquin Phoenix was the king of suicide songs.

Well there you have it. I hope I was able to help. Please comment below if you think of any songs you feel should have been on the list.
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I Smoked Weed 2 Times.

 Legalize it!!!! That’s what people been yelling for years now and it looks like they are getting their way. How do I feel about it ? Weed to me is like gay marriage. I don’t understand why anyone would care so much about something that they would go out of their to stop other people from doing it. I just don’t see the big deal I don’t love it or hate it. I will say that I tried it 2 times (*weed not gay marriage btw) and each time was a night I will never forget.
1st Try:
 Ok I need to explain some things here. At this point in my life things were not going that great but the odd thing was how I didn’t even know that until much later. I was 25 years old and I was living in 1 bedroom apartment that I was paying way too much for. I just wasn’t happy at all. 5 days a week I went to a job I hated and the other 2 days I was drinking or just sitting alone watching tv. I don’t mean to sound so sad but that was my life sadly.

I started hanging out with this chick who was a d.j at a local college radio station. She was the coolest person I ever met. Everything about her was great……well besides her love for the band Phish. They’re songs are just boring and they can’t even spell! It’s f-i-s-h. Lay off the LSD guys. But let’s not get sidetrack.

Me and her started talking one day and I just mention how I never smoked weed. The look on her face was like if I just told her that I never had pancakes. You know that look right? “What you mean?! They’re fucking great! Are you from America? Let’s go to IHOP right now!” It’s that look. I just told her how I never got into it and doesn’t seem like something I would like. She said “Stop being an pussy and give it a try.” So with that great argument I decided to stop being an pussy and try something new.

If you never had these just kill yourself already
If you never had these just kill yourself already

The first step was buying some weed. This by the way was the one thing I will never understand. Like how do you meet these people that sell weed? Where do they get it from? It seems like a dark circle that I don’t want to get into. I mean have you ever seen the movie Blow? Shit gets real. I feel like I would get killed for asking way too many questions. “So where are you guys from?” “You like Kesha?” So to cut a long story short I just let her handle that part.

She gets back with the “stuff” and a bong. I was instantly scared when I saw that bong. It’s not that I never saw one before or anything I just knew right off the bat I wouldn’t know how to use it. She said it was easy. Now I can use a lot of words to describe a bong, easy is not one of them. I felt like a d-bag. I never got that put your one finger there and inhale thing down. It seemed like a lot of hard work and I was about to give up until……..

instruction manual not included
instruction manual not included

I took this one really big hit and I felt my brain move. I freaked out and we started playing war the card game. During the games (That I won.Just wanted to tell you that fact for fun.) I didn’t feel anything so I just thought that I did something wrong but was too scared to say something cause I didn’t want to feel my mind melt again. So she left and I started watching the hit movie Sgt. Bilko. If you haven’t seen this classic check it out ASAP!

During this Steve Martin masterpiece I started thinking about my life and how much I hated it. That lead to me thinking about how little I did in my life and etc and etc and etc. So anyways…………..I tried to kill myself and ended up in the hospital for 2 weeks.
Now I’m not saying that weed made me try to kill myself. I’m just saying it help open my mind to the fact that suicide might have been a great option for me. It was like hitting a reset button in my mind. My life was a mess and it was so bad that I didn’t even know. Weed help me open my eyes to how bad it was. My life didn’t get 100% better right after this by any means. I still had years of ups and downs however weed knocked the asteroid headed for my earth off it’s course. I wished there was a less painful way……..but thanks weed!!!!!
So that was try number 1. I was happy I tried it but still thought it wasn’t for me and was pretty sure that was the end of my smoking career. Until 5 years later.
2rd Try:
 Ok fast forward 5 years later. A lot has changed in my life. I was in better shape,a lot more tattoos,I had a sweet beard and oh yea I moved to St.Louis. I moved there when I was 27 so I been have been there for about 3 years at this point and in many ways I still felt alone. However things were going pretty well for me for the first time since I moved. I been writing comedy which made me happy. I was just was under a lot of stress. I couldn’t put my finger on why. Maybe cause what I did made me be on social media all the time. Maybe it was the pressure of coming up with new topics for articles every week. If I had to pick one, I think I would lean towards this 3rd thing.
 Joshua Proctor was in love. Now a few side notes before I go on. There was one chick who I was crazy about for like a year but lived about 886 miles away so that didn’t work out and that hurt like a mother fucker. So to get over her I started hanging out with this one chick who was like 8 years younger than me. My goal was not to get hooked on this one like the first one but I did and it hurt. Not like a mother fucker but more like dropping a box of rocks on your foot. So by time I started hanging out with this 3rd chick I was done with getting attached to people. Or so I thought.


Anyone who knows Joshua knows that my perfect woman is Kesha. She is just great! Like everything about her. So nobody well ever be on her level but this chick came pretty close. I do this thing now where I pick out one thing I don’t like about a girl so I won’t get hooked on them but there was nothing there!!!!!!!!!!!!!…besides that little fact about how I would never end up with her and that hurt. So I was super stressed out and I needed some help. I thought about drinking a lot or doing something super crazy. Then it came to me! She smokes weed! I should it give it a second chance just to have something to do with her and it could help! It’s a win win for everyone!

I compare this second try to like getting a second tattoo. This time around I kind of knew what to do and what to expect. That was until I found out that we will be using something called a gravity bong. The advancement in weed smoking has change so much in 5 years I thought to myself. Just seeing this thing made me nervous. Thinking about it now gives me a headache. She showed me how to do it. The good news is that I did it in one try. The bad news is that I took the hit of hits. I tell you about the aftermath in a second however two things I remember from that night is her saying “Yea we probably should have started out with something smaller.” and her friend saying “A gravity bong??!! That’s like the worst thing you can start out with.” Both of which kind of made me feel better cause I wasn’t doing so well.



 Lets get back to that hit. Now I don’t know (and I hope I never) how it feels like to blow your brains out with a gun but I got to think it feels very similar. My face felt like it was on fire. I’m 90% sure smoke was coming out of my eyes. I coughed for about 7 minutes. The only thing I could say was how terrible it was. She told me “not to freak out”. Which was advice I used for the rest of the night.
The first time I smoked I was by myself when it kicked in. This time I was around people. You ever see the movie Shallow Hal? I only saw it once so I forget how he got that power he had but I’m pretty sure it had nothing to do with weed. I do recall that George Costanza was in it! But yea I think weed give me the same power that night. Not saying it made everyone look ugly and fat cause she still looked like one of the hottest chicks in St.Louis but what it did do was open my eyes. It made me ask myself over and over again “What in the hell are you doing?”. It made me see that I was going down a road that I have been down like 7 times and I already knew what was at the end of it. I probably looked insane standing there arguing with myself. It was me vs my mind and my mind was kicking the shit out of me. It made great points. It remembered things that I totally forgot about and in the end it was clear…..I was being a fucking idiot.
*I should point out that, I still think she is fucking great. She was too great that was the problem. I just didn’t want to get crushed again so I had to get out of there.

So that’s it the 2 times I smoked weed. The way I look at weed is like this. Weed is like that one friend who tells it like it is. Both times it made me take a step back and watch my life through the eyes of someone else. Each time I had it was hard to see but I’m glad I did it. So yea legalize it!!!!!!! Cause I guess my only knock on it is that I feel like I’m doing something crazy shady. So I hope they fix that in 5 years so I can enjoy my 35th birthday.



19 Songs That Are More Catchy Than Ebola

 I don’t know if you heard but the zombie apocalypse has started down in Dallas. Man alive! I hate Tony Romo so much. The Ebola virus is here in America folks and it’s a big deal. Just ask Fox News. They will tell you! So to get your mind off of you dying a painful death pretty soon, I came up with a list a songs that are more catchy than Ebola……and some that are a lot more painful. That way before you turn into a walker (Walking Dead joke!) you can have the band Aqua in your head.
YMCA by The Village People
 We start off with a classic. The song is so good and fun to sing that we don’t even really listen to any other parts besides them spelling YMCA. The whole middle part is about them inviting dudes over to the YMCA locker room for what can only be described as a very long and a very naked steam shower. The only things might be more catchy than this song might be only found at the YMCA.
We Are The Champions by Queen
 Not sure what they are the champions of but this song is so fun to sing at bars when you win at pool. Not so much fun for the other person, but fuck them.This song will never be heard at a Cubs game.
Simply The Best by Tina Turner
 Kind of like Queen not sure what Tina think she was “better than all the rest” at…..I mean it can’t be music. Maybe acting? She did kill it in Thunder Dome!
Butterfly by Aqua
 I got a Aqua song on here and it isn’t Barbie Girl?! Yes and if you never heard this song before you will see why and wonder how in the hell were Aqua one hit wonders. The song itself sounds like a poor man’s Enter The Ninja by Ant Woord. Which is kind of bullshit cause Butterfly came out first…….but whatever.
I Love You by Barney & This Old Man by Some D-Bag.
 So the best thing about writing for Face The Music is that I get to find some real random songs like I Love You. I haven’t heard this song since I was a kid………DUDE!!!!! BARNEY IS A RIP-OFF! It’s just This Odd Man with different lyrics! Like WTF?! I thought Barney was all about imagination?

Runaway Train by Soul Asylum
 The soundtrack to the 90’s would have this hit on it.
Fun Fact: Soul Asylum made song named Runaway Bus that was on Speed’s soundtrack.
Superstar by Toybox
 Who? It’s Toybox! You know them! They had that song. You know! This one! It’s about them being superstars and being rich! Well if you don’t know them,swing by the Target near Atlanta cause that is where they work now.
Diddley-Dee by The Cartoons
 Oh it can get worse………Diddley-Dee is like Cotton Eye Joe if Joe had a huge meth problem.

Witch Doctor by The Cartoons
 They’re back!!!!!! Before I made this list I had no clue who these dudes were but now I think of them as one of the greatest things that ever happened to music and to mankind. Thank you Cartoons for sharing your gift with all of us.
Poundcake by Jay-T
 Ok I’m sorry but this song is way better than the food it’s named after. I just like how angry he is. JUST GIVE HIM SOME GOD DAMN POUNDCAKE! Nobody else likes it.
Mickey by Toni Basil
 Oh Mickey you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind! Hey Mickey!
Oh Mickey you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind! Hey Mickey!
Oh Mickey you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind! Hey Mickey!
Heyayayay by He-Man
 If you have 10 hours to waste watch this……also get a fucking job.
You Don’t Know Me by Ray Charles
 The first slow jam of the list. Mr.Charles is crying about some bitch (who was probably ugly as hell by the way. I mean how could he know?” during this song but man it’s great.
Fun Fact: You might know Ray Charles from his role in the movie Booty Call.
Christmas Don’t Be Late by The Chipmunks
 Someone should really buy the Chipmunks a calendar. Christmas is on the same date every year you dumb rats. Well I guess if they were that smart they would ask for something better than a hoolahoop……I mean hello! PS4!
Hot In Here by Nelly
 Every list I make Nelly always finds a way to get on them. Hot In Here is of course from his best album ever Now That’s What I Call Music VOL. 11
Dominick The Donkey by God
 If the list was most underrated songs ever this would be number 1. The plot doesn’t really make any sense but you cares you will be singing it until Christmas 2034.
Unforgettable by Nat King Cole and Natalie “Princess” Cole
 The King!
Fun Fact: King Cole and Sam Cooke were like besties
The Duck Song by A Duck (#duh)
 A f’n classic!!!!!! The number of views on this video will make you question life
*also look out for The Duck Song 2 on the side!
Friday by Rebecca Black
 I’m no doctor but this song has to a lot like brain cancer. You can’t just get it out of your head and you know it’s killing you. I’m 100% sure a 6 year old wrote this song but man did they do a great job! The song makes everyday feel like Friday! It also makes you look like a asshole when you’re singing it.
Rebecca Black loves this song just cause Fridays are the only day she has off from working the corner for coke money.
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