Hello there! Welcome to 2015! The year of you. Like most people you probably made some type of resolution. Also like most people you probably will give-up on it by the 7th. Well worry no more! Here are some easy resolutions you can have this year. Your welcome!
I will take a shower at least once a month
I will drive by a gym every day on my way to KFC
I will not shoot anyone this year (Darren Wilson is using this one!)
I will buy all of Kesha’s albums
I will stop smoking but start smoking meth
I will only spend $4000 on porn this year
I will stop drinking…….on Tuesdays
I will get rid of my David Hasselhoff Pandora channel
I will learn how to spell mispelled
I will promise not to punch that annoying neighbor in his stupid face. FUCK YOU TED!
I will buy a fish and not eat it this time
I will stop trying to use normal stamps to buy food
Yo, I will stop starting my sentences with yo
I will throw out all of my Limp Bizkit shirts
I will finally do a whole connected the dots all by myself
I will stop acting like I live in London and drive on the right ride
I will travel more…..like to and from my bedroom
I will learn how to play the triangle
I will stop calling bitches dumb whores. LIKE TED’S DUMB WHORE WIFE
I will read a book
I will lie about reading a book
I will stop drinking R.C cola cause it’s not 1979 anymore
I will not burn any churches down…..however Churches chicken might get it
I will stop crying when I watch the movie Click
I will stop using bed sheets as toilet paper
I will stop calling the suicide hotline for tips
I will learn all of the lyrics to Stupid Hoe
I will get ebola this year
I will stop retweeting ISIS
I will stop breaking people’s windows…..besides Ted’s
I will stop bringing real guns to play laser tag
I will give money to a homeless person
I will steal money from a homeless person
I will become the crazy cat lady in my town
I will change my name to Tom Hanks so people can give me Oscars
I will stop giving out used gum as gifts
I will start muti-tasking. Like I can save time if I take my naps while I’m driving
I will go a date with a real person
I will sell all of my nukes
I will use my Myspace more
I will stop cheating at Battleship
I will stop wishing people a happy “life” day like an asshole
I will learn when to use then and than
I will be better then you
I will find Waldo
I will K.O Muhammad Ali. Or Will Smith. Whoever I see first
I will stop bowling with footballs
I will stop making mix tapes
I will try to start a zombie apocalypse
I will run more……ok power walk……..never mind
I will stop poking my Facebook friends in real life
I will look for a cure for cancer. I’m sure it’s under my sofa
I will write a poem. By write I mean steal
I will stop assuming that all hockey players are gay
I will beat Paperboy 2
I will stop lying about people dying (R.I.P FAT JOE!)
I will try hard not to hate Ben Affleck as Batman
I will stop calling the fire department every time I get hot
I will get a Lionel Richie tattoo
I will stop making snowballs with sugar
I will eat more healthy……Pumpkin pie is good for you right?
Lets review the things that sucked in 2014 and get ready for 2015 the year of Kesha!
What do you call person who would move from Miami to Cleveland? Answer: A idiot also LeBron James. The King thought it would be a great idea to return to his home state. He is now the 3rd biggest star in Ohio. (#1 Johnny Football #2 Drew Carry)
Everyone likes head. Well the ISIS love heads! ISIS took over the internet for a few months in 2014 after a few beheading videos. I watched them for their great pro-wrestling promos at the start of each one. They acted like “bad guys” from the 80’s. Also I’m still convinced that the ISIS were just huge fans of The Governor from The Walking Dead and just wanted a fish tank of heads.
In his defense Jessica Biel was really hot when she was 13.
David Copperfield made his huge return in 2014. He was trying to top his Statue Of Liberty trick and I think he did a great job!!!!!!!!
*He had Ukraine shoot the plane down for him. Sorry if I ruined the trick for you. Also David Copperfield made-up Santa and God
What’s the best to hide your racism? Own a NBA team. Donald got banned from the NBA for life. Which for him is only a few more weeks. So now there are 2 people banned from a league. Donald Sterling and Pete Rose. You see that betting on your team is just as bad as whipping your team.
Man a bad year for basketball….. D-Rod flew to North Korea to play basketball for some reason with Kim Jong Un. The North Korea Post reported that the game was a close one. The final score was 168-0. Kim Jon Un aka Jordan 2.0
Tony Romo was the second worst thing in Dallas in 2014. But don’t worry Tony, I think you will be back a top in 2015!
R.I.P Popeye. The Genie probably wishes he could change one of those “rules” now. For real I will miss Robin Williams, he was really great in Old Dogs.
Adding #breaktheinternet to a picture of your ass doesn’t break the internet. Kim must think she’s Kesha or something. If you really want to break the internet just break up with your second biggest ass you have.
If I hear this song one more time I swear I’m going to go on a mass shooting. This shit was up for a Oscar! A Oscar?! I mean come one! Only great people win Oscars. Like Three 6 Mafia and Eminem.
Remember those ISIS videos I was talking about? This was a lot harder to watch.
One more childhood hero of Joshua is ruined. Dr.Huxtable must have gave out a lot of day after pills back in the day! I feel like with all of that free Jell-0 and Kodak products he got for free made for a lot of really sick sex photos.
I hope I never find out that Sinbad or Jerry Seinfeld had sex.
Hey we all hate our families sometimes. But punching your wife in the face (on video) or beating your son with a stick isn’t going to help any. It also doesn’t help when you’re getting paid millions of dollars to play a game. You may come off looking like a asshole. So hey Tom Brady, if you’re reading this and you really want to punch your wife or beat your kid…..just hide it better.
Well someone had to bring it up. It would be very hard to make any list about 2014 without having Ferguson on it. Unless if that list was named “Best Places To Live In 2014.” For those who forgot the plot. Here is what happened. A white cop shot and killed a young black teen. The details of shooting are kind of questionable. So the people of Ferguson thought they would show how much they hated the police by burning down a beauty store and a Little Caesars. FUCK THE POLICE!!!!!!
Here are some honorable mentions on things that sucked in 2014 but didn’t suck enough to make the top 14:
Diet orange soda
The New York Jets
Sorry guys!!!! But I have a great feeling that some of you will be on the 15 Things about 2015 That Sucked list……IOWA I’M LOOKING AT YOU!